Guest blogger: LW3H

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(Editor’s note: Time for some more zany cleverness from our friend LW3H, the author of the very funny Springing Malik blog. If you haven’t seen his latest entry, click here.)

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Having been begged mercilessly by precisely nobody to contribute to the great, late summer of RR (“worst internet blog”) Guest Blogs, I racked my brains endlessly to decide on the subject matter.

Reminiscences of 1994? Got none.

Tales of an obscure incident from Ranger past? Ditto.

A much-deserved tribute to Stanislav Neck·Y’s 18-game tenure on Broadway? I couldn’t do it justice.

So instead, I’ve stuck to my established strengths and hacked together a pointless decomposition of the names of current Rangers as if they were acronyms. Feel free to add your own…

ASHAM: Atlantic Squad Hobo, Aged Meathead

BICKEL: Benched In Case Knuckles Expected Later

BIRON: Back-up Isn’t Required Often Now

BOYLE: Bostonian Obscures Yankee Love Expertly

CALLAHAN: Captains Achieving Little League Acclaim Hardly A Necessity

DEL ZOTTO: Desires Every Lady’s Zeal Only To Tweet Often

GABORIK: Groins Are Brittle, Operating Room In Kitchen

GIRARDI: Guts In Reserve And Regards Danger Irrelevant

HAGELIN: Hurting Alfredsson Gets Even Lightweights Incarcerated Nowadays

HALPERN: Hoping A Little Performance Ends Retirement Noises

KREIDER: Knifing, Rifling Exponent In Doc Emrick’s Reportage

LUNDQVIST: Leader, Urbane, Natty Dresser, Quarries Vezinas In Saving Team

MCDONAGH: Might Claim Dominance Over Norris. Arrivederci Gomez, Hahahahaha

NASH: Newly Acquired Salary Hole

PYATT: Phoenix Years Attractive To Torts

RICHARDS: Rather Insane Contract Helps Afford Required Dental Surgery

RUPP: Ratchets Up Philadelphian Paranoia

SAUER: Sadly Always Unavailable. Expect Retirement?

STAAL: Siblings Together At Alternative Location

STEPAN: Sophomore Troubles Ended, Pretty Assists Nightly

STRALMAN: Swede Typically Relaxed After Learning Micheletti Admires Nudity

TORTORELLA: Tyrannical Overlord Rarely Talks On Record Extensively, Loathes Lavish Avery

SATHER: Status Attributed To His Eighties Record

About Author

171 Comments

  1. ZzZz NYR ZzZz© on

    ASHAM: A – Sham , can he skate?

    BICKEL:  Hes a pickle.

    BIRON: The moron.

    BOYLE: Just a boy

    CALLAHAN: Callahandy!!!

    DEL ZOTTO: is all we gotto .

    GABORIK: can be a pr…

    GIRARDI: is like a fiaria

    HAGELIN: Haggling for ice time.

    HALPERN: Halpern is on the way!!

    KREIDER: is a speeder or a spider (however you say it)

    LUNDQVIST: can be junkqvist at times.

    MCDONAGH: the doughnut

    NASH: Potatoes.

    PYATT: the bratt.

    RICHARDS: Richie Richards.

    RUPP: wuts ‘sup?

    SAUER: puss!!

    STAAL: Bathroom Staal.

    STEPAN: Don’t Stepan the logo!!!

    STRALMAN: the straw man.

    TORTORELLA: Author “Fonz-arelli”

    SATHER: SLITHERs like a snake.

  2. Oh, wow, pleasant surprise. Carp, how did you manage to finally talk him into it?
    Very clever, indeed.
    And not a word about Marty’s BMI? :-)

  3. Pretty sure I didn’t type Stanislav Neck·Y (damn Europånsy characters…) but I like the change anyway.

    Stevie Minger signed too late to make the cut, in case you were wondering. Which you weren’t.

    Figured GBS would get even more upset if I went beyond the current roster, but I could add:

    Dump-ins Regular Until Retirement Year

  4. Good morning all! That was Ludicrously Wonderful!!! And cooscoos, great adds…..best guest blog ever!!!!

  5. VOROS ? very often rubbish or scratched
    HOLLWEG ? heart on legs, light-weight ever game
    BRASHEAR ? big rough a$$hole shouldnt have ever adorned roster
    REDDEN ? ridiculed ex defenseman diehards ever needling

  6. Good morning, Sally!

    I was scratching my head over Neck-Y, LW. What was it supposed to be? Wasn’t it pronounced Netz-cash?

  7. Anyone hear about this, i think Ravens radio broadcaster, Gerry Sandusky….. hes getting death threats bc some people are stupid to realize its not the same guy. I think he and his family would be better off changing their surname. How sad though, anyone with that name is punished for having it. People will wonder if some guy named Roger Sandusky is related to that criminal.

  8. Counts
    The
    Boring,
    Long,
    Unrequested,
    Equations,
    Statistics,
    Hockey-
    Irrelevant
    Regression
    Tabulations 

  9. Good morning, Carp!

    BAHAHA! Best post ever!!! Love the McDonut & Richards ones.

    CT, I was waiting for the bonehead acronyms to start rollin in…

  10. “Sauer Always Unavailabe. Expect Retirement?” LOL “Status Attributed To His Eighties Record,” Ditto.

  11. N.CountryNYRFan on

    Great List LW3H…I love Hagelin’s and McD’s especially! Let’s end this damn lockout NOW!!!!

  12. N.CountryNYRFan on

    Is anyone else concerned with the potential of some of our star players going over to Europe?? I am. I don’t want to see any of our guys get hurt playing over there in some meaningless games.

  13. What’s the over under on suspension that Goon Hagelin gets while acting as an enforcer in the Swedish league?

  14. Ella 'DuckMao' Platypus Correo on

    Greg’s acronyms are like OMG AMAZING!!! LW3H tops Greg’s original best blog ever only to be done in by OMG AMAZING ‘acronyms’ of the vaunted ‘GREG’!! GOD BLESS THE GREG!!zzzzzzzzzz…

    the guy is OMG AMAZING!! that is all!™

  15. (I sense a creeping series of glumness postings,about the season that apparently is going to be a lost cause.) Now feeling despair over what has happened is different than what is expected to happen, or what has happened in the past as an example of what could well happen here and now, or in the not to distant future. As Ranger fans we probably each has his own example of “hopes dashed” by the the unexpected, and never to be forgotten moment in racing for the cup. My own came many years ago long prior to TV of the games, and we had to squish down close to the radio and listen to Ward Wilson, and his accompanist who is forgotten by me, and a grim and exciting
    Cup battle,here it looked as though the Rangers might well pull it off, but out of nowhere came not Gordie Howe, or Red Kelly, or some other notable, but a name that I really had never noticed, by the name of Pete Babando. And suddenly he shoots and scores the cup winning goal and I was literally shocked; disbelief is a mild word……..that was my greatest disappointment in a Ranger game, and has yet to be equaled for me. They were so close and playing such great hockey, and the Wings goal tender was good – but not great ( I believe it was Harry Lumley) …but he held the
    Rangers off just long enough for Babando to work his immortal shot. I don’t believe that I ever heard from him again.
    l

  16. Stephane Matteau – eleven goals in three years, yet he is still fondly remembered for a couple of playoff dingers. Proves the point, you drive for show and putt for dough.

  17. Ruslan Fedotenko has miraculously become 6’2 according to the Flyers roster. When he was in NY, Zuccarello was bending over, eating cumquats from his helmet.

  18. Hey – is it just me or are the fighting voer about $350,000 right now?

    30 teams .. that’s about 11.6 Million / team per year – or about what the Wild paid for that guy from jersey and that other guy I forget his name right now ..
    why bother even knowing their names?

  19. I remember reading stories about how some pro athletes, ten at a table, have run up a $2000 tab and leave a $100 for the waitress. You can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy, or words to that effect.

  20. 98 million per team……

    but anyways…

    Definitely Underachieved But Inked Needlessly Stupid Kontract? Yes

  21. Wowowowow! What a night so far at MetLife. Met the Mara family and got invited to a family suite during the Springsteen concert. All thanks to the Queen of the blog, the Blogmama! We’re on the field right now of the Super Bowl Champions, the Sunday residence of the future greatest QB in NFL history, Elisha Manning!!!

  22. im trying to come up with one for Fedotenko but its too late in the day… besides the power is out again.

  23. Sorry missed some zeros there …

    350,000,000 (remember it was at like 500,000,000 + when then started).

    This is the part that is under dispute (the 57% vs. 43% vs 46% etc ….)

    350,000,000 / 30 = 11,666,666.67 / team.

    S_

  24. Thank you LW3H!

    Awesome post. kept me entertained and made me laugh out loud a few times today. Not just yours but everybody’s.

  25. Ovechkin sounds like one of those little cuddly things in The Wizard of Oz. Kvetch also comes to mind. Could easily be Irish with a simple apostrophe after the O.

  26. The skies they were ashen and sober
    The leaves they were crisped and sere-
    The leaves they were withering and sere;
    It was night in the lonesome October
    Of my most immemorial year;
    It was hard by the dim lake of Auber,
    In the misty mid region of Weir-
    It was down by the dank tarn of Auber
    In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

  27. Thank you LW3H, I love it, I love it, now it is a good time to close this blog, while on e high note, no ? Carp ?

  28. billybleedsblue on

    LW killin’ it again!

    Newly Acquired Salary Hole? hahahahaa

    not only that one, the work as a whole, just… wow, just wow, i picked the right day to come back around here! :D

  29. Coos Coos

    I love the fact that you have picked up the poetic cadence, of Noyes and his immortal Poem, the Highwayman

    “The night was a torrent of darkness, the moon was a ghostly Galleon, tossed upon cloudy seas, etc.
    when the Highway man came riding, riding, up to the old Inn door ….’ great epic poem, and your borrowing Noyes style, removes a bit of the guilt I had for “borrowing” Poe’s “The Raven” to a degree, for my poem, “Short Man”.

  30. So Alex Ovechkin says he and some other players might stay in Europe if players salaries cut short…interesting comments. I doubt any of them stay in Russia after the new CBA is reached but… those Russians…you just never know.

    and speaking of Ovechkin… i thought this was an excellent documentary about him and his family. It explains why he wears number 8 (if you pay attention ;-D) and why he points to the sky every time he scores a goal and other very interesting stuff about him as a person and a hockey player. Enjoy

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgLyAM_T9vQ&feature=related

  31. It is *not* too much to ask. I am sure some players will begin training. Others might begin tweeting about hanging out in the park or something.

  32. i think we should all pretend like there is no lockout… have Carp put up “It’s Go Time” when there’s a scheduled Rangers game…we can pretend to hate or like some of the new players, new lines etc….it could be fun…

    or not.

  33. Why can’t we have a season of replacement players. Wouldn’t *CABER* like to be part of that league?

  34. ZzZz NYR ZzZz© on

    The time Boogaard scored that great slapshot goal , was my greatest moment on the blog.

    Columbus vs Montreal ( write that date down) -( btw void if the league is still on strike)

    Prust vs Dubinsky , fight , fight ,fight ,fight!!! I’ll give the nod to Prust but don’t count out our old “ace in the hole” Dubinsky. Dubi is mad!! Dubi is gonna come out hit’n everything. He’ll fight Prust , just watch. Youv’e herd it here first!!!hahaha!!!

  35. This is what the Panthers are offering their season ticket holders:

    “Loyalty” Option 1:

    Retain your full account balance with the Florida Panthers and earn 10% loyalty CREDIT
    on your account. By selecting this option, you agree to leave all monies for your 2012-13 season
    tickets in your account in the event any 2012-13 preseason and regular season games are cancelled and
    not rescheduled by the NHL. ln such an event, you will earn 10% loyalty credit for the amount of games
    cancelled and not rescheduled by the NHL.

    “Loyalty” Option 2:

    Retain your ‘full account balance with the Florida Panthers and earn 5% loyalty PAYMENT.
    By selecting this option, you agree to leave all monies for your 2012-13 season tickets in your account in
    the event any 2012-13 preseason and regular season games are cancelled and not rescheduled by the
    NHL. In such an event, you will earn 5% loyalty payment for the amount of games cancelled and not
    rescheduled by the NHL. Loyalty payment will be issued in the form of a check upon the start of the
    2012-13 season.

    and “Option 3″:

    Receive a refund in the event any home games are cancelled and not rescheduled by the
    NHL. By selecting this option, you will receive a refund of the monies on your account for games
    cancelled and not rescheduled. Refunds will be issued upon the NHL’s official announcement of the
    entire 2012-13 season.

  36. No matter what option you pick, the earliest you can get any money back is when/if they start the 2012-13 season. Shysters…..

  37. Honestly, between LW3H’s post and the often-clever responses, this may very well be the funniest thread I’ve ever seen on RR. Great job folks.

  38. Dammit, the Panthers/Nashville double-header’s been canceled. Went to last year’s first ever and it was awesome. Two games in one day and you could basically sit wherever you wanted because it was such a well-attended event.

  39. Leetch! ’94 Playoffs – Goals: Messier 12, Graves 10, Leetch 11. AND Led a supremely talented team in points – A defenseman! Oh, that someday we see his double again on NY ice.

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