Today’s line-up…and a guest (updated 2)

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Today’s Olympic line-up is all on MSNBC. Norway v. Switzerland at 3 p.m., Latvia v. the fighting Slovaks at 7:30, and Germany v. Belarus at midnight. And hooray for NBC! Two women’s semis games being played tomorrow (none USA), so they’re not on any channel line-up.

Now, since things seemed to have slowed down here a bit (I expect differently tomorrow, of course) we here at the Report figured that halfway through the Olympics, we’d check and see how things are going a bit closer to home. So here is your next guest blogger, Uncle Glennie himself. (Disclaimer: Uncle Glennie is a fictional character and not based on any person, living or dead).

(Admit it, you’ve been wondering where he’s been hiding this week :)

Uncle Glennie Sounds (a Little) Off

I know that sometimes the only way Ranger fans can tell I’m still alive is the faint aroma of expensive stogies, but today, exclusively for the Ranger’s Report, I was hoping to give you an update on the Rangers. Now, I can sum up the State of the Rangers in just two words: New York. No, really, check the map…

I’ve heard a lot of criticism regarding the big contracts that I have given to UFAs over the years. For example, take Brashear and his $2.8M two-year contract. Please? Somebody? Well, let me tell you, Brash is worth it. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words. Now about Redden’s $6.5 million a year for six years, do you know how many Jason Krogs and Christian Backmans that much money would buy? Look, if I didn’t pay so much for Rozival, Redden and Drury, there would be a hell of a lot more under-achieving players on this team. With the salary cap, those high contracts have really limited how many lousy, over-age players I’m able to acquire. And that’s GOT to be a good thing.

Another thing that’s starting to bug me — those “Fire Sather” chants when we’re losing. I wish I had a dollar for every chant I’ve heard this year. There’s 18,200 fans per game, times 41 home games, and they must chant it at least 4 times a game. That’s some 3 million chants in a year. Wait a minute, I AM getting a dollar each time someone yells “Fire Sather.” Keep it up Ranger Fans! I deserve a raise.

I will tell you this though; I’m getting fed up having to deal with New York newspaper reporters. Carpiniello, Brooks, Zipay, Gross…It’s always ‘The Rangers Lose Again,” “Rangers Held Scoreless.” “Glennie has lost his Touch.” It’s getting so bad, the news reporters are driving me to drink. These Press Shills are making me thirsty!

Speaking of drinking, while I was in my suite during that last Ranger game, I invented a new drink. It’s made of Stoli Vodka and prune juice. I call it a “Russian Thru©.” At least that’s how Muck described it after slamming half a dozen…And to our Russian speaking fans, (CCCP, ilb, MAKO, et al) I want to make a Russian toast— “Moio sudno na vozdušnoy poduške polno ugrey” — I hope I got it right, Anisimov taught it to me!

(singing) “Short people got no reason, to live…” Oh-oh! I know that ring tone — it’s Gary Bettman. Hello there, Czar, How are you and the little Czardine doing? You know, Colie Campbell…OK, so how long does Avery have to sit out this time? Oh. No? Then what did you call for? No thanks; the Rangers are NOT interested in playing in a New Year’s Day outdoor game. We have an agreement with Steinbrenner, we stay out of Yankee Stadium, and he stays out of MSG. If we DID agree to play would you call off those referee dogs of yours? Well, OK, if you say they’re not calling extra penalties on the Rangers, then I guess they’re not. Sure, and Fox News is fair and balanced. (click)

I notice there have been a few complaints about our scouting and drafting through the years. I have to admit it — some mistakes were made. (Not by me though.) Those responsible are long gone. So is the second group. The third bunch was demoted to Charlotte, and the fourth…gone after the Olympic roster freeze. Anyway, our newest Director of Player Personnel, Mr. Fudd, will bring us up to date on Ranger Scouting.

Fudd: Hewwo, Gwen. I just want to tell evwyone at the Wangers Weport that I have someone to share the dwafting wesponsibiwities — my fwend, Sylvester. After the Owimpics I’m going on the woad to weview the Cawowina Huwwicanes, and the Detwoit Wed Wings. Sylvester, where will you be?
Sylvester: I’m thhuppothed to th-ee the Than Ho-thay Tharkth, and the Thaint Louithh Bluthes thometime before thh-pring…
Glennie: You know, I think it would be better if you two switched assignments. Some days it’s just Looney Tunes around here…

Well Ranger Fans, I hope this little chat has put all your fears to rest. Remember: Doing a job right just gets the job done. Doing it half-assed for ten years guarantees you job security. As long as we still barely make the playoffs and sell out Madison Square Garden, my job is safe. Then Junior can concentrate on HIS job — killing the Knicks.

Forever Yours, (and it really looks that way)

Uncle Gwennie
(That damn Fudd! Now he’s got me doing it…)

Afternoon update:

You asked for it, you got it. Lots of curling today! Sorry I don’t know the channel, but it’s a good guess that it’s USA, because USA women take on Great Britain at 5 p.m. ET. I know you’re going to watch :)

Early evening update:

I admit it, I’m not going to be around for the fighting Slovaks at midnight. But here’s your Swiss v. Norway recap.Vikingstad got Ducked!

Olli v. Hank four years ago.

Curling: Men won one! I didn’t see, did they pull that final end guy? Must have, they won. Women still playing….

Miracle on Ice, per Craig Patrick. (That was such a good year!)

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157 Comments

  1. You guys are never gonna believe what I discovered the other night..

    Apparently, there is a horse named Dubinsky, after our beloved nose picker. I swear I’m telling the truth. I pulled the following from a horse racing blog from back in 2008:

    Take a look at Dubinsky at Big A
    OK – I’ve got a simulcast horse of the day: Dubinsky, a first-time starter in Aqueduct’s fourth race who also is 8-1 in the line. Owner Paul Pompa Jr. was telling me about him when I interviewed Pompa for a story on Backseat Rhythm in Keeneland’s QEII. Pompa, of course, was the original owner of Big Brown. Dubinsky also is trained by Patrick Reynolds, who was Big Brown’s first trainer at the track before his sale to IEAH Stables.

    Dubinsky is named for the New York Rangers’ 22-year-old center Brandon Dubinsky. The colt is by Toccet, who was named for former hockey star Rick Tocchet. Probably just as well Toccet wasn’t spelled correctly. The original Tocchet, then an assistant coach for the Phoenix Coyotes, pled guilty last year to charges of conspiracy to promote gambling and promoting gambling as a bit player in a case dubbed “Operation Slapshot.” An uncharged bettor in the case (at least according to my google search) was Janet Jones, wife of Wayne Gretzky.

    In doing a little more research (I was bored last night), I found that Dubinsky, the horse, last ran on this past Valentine’s Day at Aqueduct.

    Frankly, I find this funnier than anything. Just the thought that someone liked him enough as a player to name a horse after him gives me the giggles.

    (Sorry Carp and Mama if I violated any rules by the above C and P. I’d tell you the blog address I found it at, but I don’t have that tab open any more)

  2. Are we horsing around today?

    Good work, Gwennie!

    LMAO at Russian speaking MAKO, though. His Russian is exactly like my Spanish- sexually transmitted.

  3. Uncle Glennie! I feel honored to be mentioned in your excellent Rangers review! Though, I am not sure I get that Russian toast (with Czech letters in it), but then again… understanding you requires a lot thinner brain, which I do not poses!

  4. ok, so let me get this straight…we have uncle slatipuss, a nose picking horse, sexually transmitted spanish AND russian,…and NO pics?!?! (that would be an inteesting photo, maybe that is how dubi got his new contract)

    Well, at least hank led us out of the dark years!

  5. lol wicky…

    English to CCCP is like Russian to Uncle Glennie.

    * But then again… understanding you (Uncle Glennie) requires a lot thinner brain, which I do not *possess!*

  6. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    Vodka and prune juice?! That would be one of those foods that look the same coming and going. Like Corn.

  7. Uncle Glennie deserves it all, hey he was a good fighter though.

    Laurel, meow meow meow! I salute you.

  8. That’s it, Izzy! You got it! You should send some photos of yourself to Laurel so she can post them on her “Paws ‘n’ Claws” blog! lol

  9. thanks for the update uncle glennie
    brilliant!!

    especially enjoyed “These Press Shills are making me thirsty!”
    carp will be so proud.

  10. ok, so let me get this straight…we have uncle slatipuss, a nose picking horse, sexually transmitted spanish AND russian,…and NO pics? (that would be an inteesting photo, maybe that is how dubi got his new contract)

    Well, at least hank led us out of the dark years!
    ——

    COMEDY GOLD, wicky. Srsly. I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

  11. Sally, I’m sure he’s a handsome horse! Chesnut colored according to his basic bio, but he’s still racing as a 4 year old and only fetched 240K when he was sold in 08, so he’s not exactly a superstar.

    Kinda like the real Dubinsky, once I stop and think about it.

  12. *JAROMIR!!!!!!!!!*

    Charlie

    I know that the Penguins fans do not deserve Jagr, but I want to see him (if not coming back to the NYR) go back home and hoist another Cup.

  13. i’d like to see jagr sign with the team that faces the pens and then beats them at the mellon arena and gives the fans a 1 finger salute. or even better, jagr signs with the pens and then wins the cup, then when sid grabs the cup jagr smacks the back of his head vand steals it away and skates with it while stripping like in slapshot. eff the pen fans. they do not deserve jagr or the cup.

  14. Speaking of Stanley Cup, what I’d really like to see is Chicago lose in the Finals. Why, you ask? Two words: Marian Hossa. That would be hilarious, wouldn’t it?

  15. 75% of Penguins fans don’t know who Jagr is and have never seen him play. The other 25% boo him for getting a bit moody for a few months after a 12-13 year Hall of Fame standard career with them.

  16. jbytes- im with ya. i dont care about any other team winning except the ny freakin rangers baby so screw ’em. and it would be the curse of all curses if he doesnt win it after bouncing to the favorite every other year. if there is one team i would want to win if we arent, it would be the baby rangers. love to see prucha raise the cup. always liked prucha. when jagr was gone, he had no chance here.

  17. izzy- ive been watching this mens curling for 2 hours now. its actually pretty fun to follow after awhile. its not something i would ever watch, but its growin on me.

    orr- i definitely love the 3 danish babes. but my fave is the blond one that screams like a banshee

  18. if they would show another team other than sheetey USA it would be a lot better.

    i love curling but this is killing me. they barely showed canada.

  19. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    GW- I’ve been watching too. Never watched it much before, but this is such an overload of televised games.

  20. Curling is a fine sport and looks fun, they even have many curling clubs around the greater NY Metropolitan area. HOWEVER, when it’s preempting Olympic Hockey it’s not cool at all.

  21. Curling schedule update above. You guys crack me up on this subject. Admit it, anything with a stick on ice and you’re hooked (no penalty)!

    TR, I’ve been missing you here this week! Got a hole lot of buisness? :)

    If you’re looking for decent coverage of any other team that isn’t USA, give up…for NBC, it ain’t about the sport, it’s the country. Sad, but true. Hence, lack of women’s hockey semis yesterday.

    I gotta run…things to do.

  22. yea babs i hate nbc only focusing on usaeven at the expense of ratings. im sure many people here in the states would rather watch the hockey games. everybody in usa has heritage from all different countries. me, i would rather watch sweden,finland or italy womens hockey than usa curling, even though it was a fun watch and as i learned the game a little i enjoyed it more.

  23. wicky

    It’s actually the opposite…you have to eat to feel strong and powerful (even @ his 38 years of age) as Jagr to get “jagr visions”

    (;

  24. I obviously missed this thread, but I’m assuming “jagr visions” aren’t like my “aves visions?”
    (hey, sorry, I’ve been good all week, and I haven’t posted any shirtless pics. So give me a break :)

  25. Linda is worried... Sather might be THINKING!! on

    Hey guys, Sally and Laurel!! Hope you’re all having a great Saturday. It’s a balmy 60 degrees here today, woohoo!! Mako wanted me to tell you all ‘HELLO’, so now i can tell him that i did! Enjoy the curling today!!

  26. wicky, sorry, I’m sure that was funny but I still don’t know what you all are talking aboot…

    Linda, beauty day here, too, comparatively speaking.

    Izzy, fighting Slovaks up next! See you at the crack of 7:30….

  27. The work ethic of some of those Swiss/Norway players is amazing. Skills are questionable, but would do for another projected expansion team.

  28. anybody else hate Canada’s team even before the US play ’em? Pronger,Cindy,Fatso they can’t lose enough for me. I wouldn’t root for them against anybody.

  29. My Jagr visions are like your Aves visions, Mama.

    And I have Aves visions also.

    You’ve gotta agree that Jags is probably one of the hottest 10 men in the world today (I’m not gay, btw, not that there’s anything wrong with that)

  30. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    Disclaimer: Uncle Glennie is a fictional character and not based on any person, living or dead).

    He’s dead?

  31. Pronger real big and real cheap and as add plus a Flyer enough said. Also never a happy camper wherever he goes.

  32. I notice that JR and Milbury are no longer addressing each other during the intermission commentaries. Is it my imagination?

  33. milbury gets on everyones nerves jbytes. he has no position for arguing anything after some of the dumbest trades ever made in the history of hockey. he is a big dumbass and jr likes to speak in 3rd person. at least he doesnt talk as much as peppy la weewee mcguire

  34. yea and also his breakaway he absolutely shouldve scored on that. on a non nhl goalie no less. gabby is great but he could certainly do with some practice with the puck. hes great at playing away from it, then getting it quick and shooting, but he could be even higher goal scorer and almost as good a goal scorer as ovie if he was better at handling the puck. hes fast as hell and has a rocket of a wrist shot. but i guess i just love to see our guys score in these types of international games.

  35. And it’s a clean sheet, I mean, shutout for Halak. His trade value just jumped a couple of notches.

  36. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    So, Slovakia will end up 5th, 6th or 7th depending on the remaining games. They done good!

    The Fightin’ Slovaks!

  37. orr- as soon as you told me about teh shootout glitch or pk shot glitch it happened twice in a row. i really suck at breakaways in the game though. im ok if its during the game but if its a pen. shot or SO, the cam screws me up. i hate that u cant change the view. i mean, theres no depth perception so i cant tell how much room i have to work with. and u hardly ever score either. u have to deke everytime just to have a minute chance of coing. it sucks

  38. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    I don’t like this Olympic playoff format. It unfairly favors the best teams by giving them a bye for the first round. The better teams don’t need an additional advantage of less games to play and more time to rest up. If the 12 teams were more equal it might be OK, but the chances for many teams are low enough without giving Canada Czechs US and Sweden a break in the scheduling. The number of games played should be even for all the teams.

  39. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    Maybe we are better off without the professionals in the Olympics… It sure would allow some other teams to have a real chance at a medal.

  40. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    JB- They never seem to have the same format from one Olympics to the next. I think they cater too much to the top teams. They need to have consistent rules from one event to the next.

  41. Izzy, the more I think about it, the more I’m hoping the NHL won’t send its players to the next Olympics. As it is now, the deck is stacked against those teams without the NHL super pros. There’s no reason why we should be having 8-0 scores in this high level competition.

  42. wicky...FrancoNeanderthal on

    So, at work today I had my stellar research staff get to work on the “jagr miracle” that some of you seem to think happened after the lockout. You guys really need to quick sniffing glue or something.

    The majority of the credit (at least as much as can be given to an individual in a team game) goes to hank and renney’s system (I thought it was time for renney to go as well when he got fired). The GAA of the rangers during the “dark years” was 3.00 a game, with hank 2005-08, 2.56/game.

    Avg rangers goals allowed per season dark years-248
    Avg rangers goals allowed per season 05-08-210

    Avg rangers goals for per season dark years-218
    Avg rangers goals for per season 05-08-237

    What does that mean you ask? Well take a way hank and keep jagr, we are still on the negative side of GF vs GA, keep hank and no jagr, we are on the positive side of GF vs GA!!! Jagr led us NOWHERE, hank and a defencive system did!

    Jagr had a great offencive year the first year after the lockout, no doubt about it, however that was a Jagr friendly year with the NHL trying to get more fans back after the lockout by doing away with “stifiling traps and obstruction/hooking in the neutral zone” and having an exciting, end to end game. They went all out nazi on calling ticky tack penalties opening the ice surface up for more “offencive” opportunities. Jagr had a phenomonal season that year (a non captain year). The penalty calling started leveling off the next couple of seasons and jagr’s numbers declined both seasons and his goals per season droppped to over 10 less than his career per season avg (coincidentally his “captain miraculous” years).

    If jagr is your fave player or your fave ranger over the past decade or so great, more power to you. But to say he led or captained this team out of the dark years is ridiculous!! The credit goes to hank and renney and the only reason we made the playoffs the second full jagr season was the avery acquisition, and no on can dispute that (jagr was captaining us to a non-playoff year before the avery trade). He did NOTHING to stand out as a captain, he didn’t take shootouts because he was bad at them? OK captain, practice them more to get better at them, lead by example. Be a captain! You scored, ok big deal, you were an amazingly talented scorer anyhow no shocker there. Go out and drop the gloves, go out and practice your shootout skills, do SOMETHING you don’t normally do! Show your team that being a CAPTAIN means you do out of the ordinary things to show your guys that you are willing to do things to lead them!! He’s nto that kind of player? And he won’t do that sort of thing? Sounds to me like a selfish guy that would be a lousy captain!!! A great offencive player, but not a good captain!

    It would be like naming brandon prust captain. If he goes out and fights 25 times that season, ok good that is what he does! If he fights 25 times that and stays after practice working on his passing and shooting skills and not only has all those fights but goes out and get 21 goals and 44 assists during the season as well, that is LEADERSHIP and doing extra to lead by example. Jagr did NOTHING but score (which he always did) and for the most part below his career averages (exception of the first full season). So how the hell did he do anything special to be a “AWESOME CAPTAIN”? He was a moody scorer, that played one zone when he felt like it (got even worse as his czech buddies started getting dealt away or left), created “alleged” division in the locker room, is a first ballot Hall Of Famer, and was a bad captain or one that is pretty much on par with drury as a captain!

  43. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    JB- True enough but it’s not so much that the NHL players are bad. But why do they have to favor the better teams by scheduling advantages too? They’re good enough, they don’t need to be spread out among all the lesser teams, guaranteeing they will get to the final rounds. And when they get there, they also get a bye to let he lesser teams thin themselves out. It’s just not fair to all the teams.

  44. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    wicky, your arguments are compelling, and I don’t disagree. The only thing I can say positive about the Jagr years is that they were the only time during Sather’s tenure that I thought there was a CHANCE of going deep in the playoffs.

    Jagr is gone, Hank is still here, but I don’t think we have had a chance in hell of going anywhere since Jagr left. There may be many reasons for that but Ranger fans will look back on the Jagr years as the best of a bad time, and dream of a chance to bring some hope back. The Jagr era is over, it does no good to wish it back.

  45. wicky...FrancoNeanderthal on

    Izzy
    I liked him as an offencive player, and I certainly think he deserves to be a first ballot HOFer. He just was not a good captain and was not the driving force behind the renewed playoff appearances, hank was/is. If we do not make the playoffs this season, I really believe it is due to the lack of blueline “quality” experience and coaching system!

    I agree about the deep run in the playoffs, but it wasn’t because of jagr, it was the system and the goalie!

  46. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    I thought Sather should have kept Jagr when he cut him loose. He also cut Avery loose and Shanahan too, I was wondering where the offense was going to come from. The answer was nowhere. Would Jagr have remained captain? Oh yes. Would he be better than Drury? Oh, yes! It is really a sad situation. Would we have been better with Jagr than without him? I think so.

    He was not a great captain, but we didn’t get better at that position with Drury.

  47. I also question the Olympic format…

    Why are Bruins allowed to make Olympic Rosters?

    The Olympics is supposed to epitomize sportsmanship, and that’s something Bostonians and Boston Bruins do not have.

    Then again, they’ve allowed Jarkko Ruutu into the Olympics.

  48. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    Well, for all you Fightin’ Slovak followers, it looks like the Slovaks cannot crack the top four and get a bye. So, how can they come out in the best possible position? First, the Czechs need to beat the Russians either in regulation, OT or shootout. Then, USA needs to swamp Canada by 5 goals to keep Canada from getting the goal differential.

    Therefore, I predict the Czechs to beat the Russians, and the USA to beat Canada 6-1. As for Swedes and Finns- who do you like better, Lundqvist or Jokinen?

  49. Izzy Mandlebaum on

    Three AM and Izzy is still at it. The crack of noon is going to come mighty early! They may not have been the best teams on the planet but there was some exciting hockey tonight. Someday, some underdog is going to do like the Americans in 1980 and pull off the big upset. Why not Slovakia? Why not this year?

    Stay tuned…

  50. Comments from today’s SLAP SHOTS (the Larry Brooks article):

    What is the statue of limitations on the bashing of drafting Hugh Jessiman (now seven years and counting)? The guy did break his ankle after they drafted him which severely stunted his growth…By the way, Callahan and Dubinsky were drafted in 2004 (largely a weak draft) so I’d say the Rangers did okay that year (and every year since)..

    Larry Brooks is such a hater..i’m waiting for Torts to give this guy five across the eyes one day.

  51. speaking of Milbury and his antics, he’s a big guy, but I remember one unforgettable night in Hartford with the long departed Whalers when he got into a tussle with Kevin Dineen and Dineen dropped him with one punch. Milbury had to be handled by two team mates to get him off the ice. he dropped like a stone. Ahh…memories.

  52. Good real hockey morning, everyone! Some great games yesterday, eh? Even the ones that had no real meaning were still great. That’s why NHL should really think carefully before they decide not to paricipate in 4 years.

  53. Brooks just doesn’t see things through rose colored glasses like you do. he writes what he sees, not what you want him to see. if you want Ranger propaganda, read the Daily News.

  54. Jagr as Captain- 2 playoff series wins.
    Drury as Captain- 3-1 lead, then collapse.

    Seems to me, to this point, that the argument isn’t even close. Did we win it with Jagr? No. But like Izzy said, we had a chance at surprising some people when we had Jagr. To compound things, we gave the money that he would have been making (give or take about a mil) to Wade freakin Redden.

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