Today’s Olympic line-up is all on MSNBC. Norway v. Switzerland at 3 p.m., Latvia v. the fighting Slovaks at 7:30, and Germany v. Belarus at midnight. And hooray for NBC! Two women’s semis games being played tomorrow (none USA), so they’re not on any channel line-up.
Now, since things seemed to have slowed down here a bit (I expect differently tomorrow, of course) we here at the Report figured that halfway through the Olympics, we’d check and see how things are going a bit closer to home. So here is your next guest blogger, Uncle Glennie himself. (Disclaimer: Uncle Glennie is a fictional character and not based on any person, living or dead).
(Admit it, you’ve been wondering where he’s been hiding this week :)
Uncle Glennie Sounds (a Little) Off
I know that sometimes the only way Ranger fans can tell I’m still alive is the faint aroma of expensive stogies, but today, exclusively for the Ranger’s Report, I was hoping to give you an update on the Rangers. Now, I can sum up the State of the Rangers in just two words: New York. No, really, check the map…
I’ve heard a lot of criticism regarding the big contracts that I have given to UFAs over the years. For example, take Brashear and his $2.8M two-year contract. Please? Somebody? Well, let me tell you, Brash is worth it. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words. Now about Redden’s $6.5 million a year for six years, do you know how many Jason Krogs and Christian Backmans that much money would buy? Look, if I didn’t pay so much for Rozival, Redden and Drury, there would be a hell of a lot more under-achieving players on this team. With the salary cap, those high contracts have really limited how many lousy, over-age players I’m able to acquire. And that’s GOT to be a good thing.
Another thing that’s starting to bug me — those “Fire Sather” chants when we’re losing. I wish I had a dollar for every chant I’ve heard this year. There’s 18,200 fans per game, times 41 home games, and they must chant it at least 4 times a game. That’s some 3 million chants in a year. Wait a minute, I AM getting a dollar each time someone yells “Fire Sather.” Keep it up Ranger Fans! I deserve a raise.
I will tell you this though; I’m getting fed up having to deal with New York newspaper reporters. Carpiniello, Brooks, Zipay, Gross…It’s always ‘The Rangers Lose Again,” “Rangers Held Scoreless.” “Glennie has lost his Touch.” It’s getting so bad, the news reporters are driving me to drink. These Press Shills are making me thirsty!
Speaking of drinking, while I was in my suite during that last Ranger game, I invented a new drink. It’s made of Stoli Vodka and prune juice. I call it a “Russian Thru©.” At least that’s how Muck described it after slamming half a dozen…And to our Russian speaking fans, (CCCP, ilb, MAKO, et al) I want to make a Russian toast— “Moio sudno na vozdušnoy poduške polno ugrey” — I hope I got it right, Anisimov taught it to me!
(singing) “Short people got no reason, to live…” Oh-oh! I know that ring tone — it’s Gary Bettman. Hello there, Czar, How are you and the little Czardine doing? You know, Colie Campbell…OK, so how long does Avery have to sit out this time? Oh. No? Then what did you call for? No thanks; the Rangers are NOT interested in playing in a New Year’s Day outdoor game. We have an agreement with Steinbrenner, we stay out of Yankee Stadium, and he stays out of MSG. If we DID agree to play would you call off those referee dogs of yours? Well, OK, if you say they’re not calling extra penalties on the Rangers, then I guess they’re not. Sure, and Fox News is fair and balanced. (click)
I notice there have been a few complaints about our scouting and drafting through the years. I have to admit it — some mistakes were made. (Not by me though.) Those responsible are long gone. So is the second group. The third bunch was demoted to Charlotte, and the fourth…gone after the Olympic roster freeze. Anyway, our newest Director of Player Personnel, Mr. Fudd, will bring us up to date on Ranger Scouting.
Fudd: Hewwo, Gwen. I just want to tell evwyone at the Wangers Weport that I have someone to share the dwafting wesponsibiwities — my fwend, Sylvester. After the Owimpics I’m going on the woad to weview the Cawowina Huwwicanes, and the Detwoit Wed Wings. Sylvester, where will you be?
Sylvester: I’m thhuppothed to th-ee the Than Ho-thay Tharkth, and the Thaint Louithh Bluthes thometime before thh-pring…
Glennie: You know, I think it would be better if you two switched assignments. Some days it’s just Looney Tunes around here…
Well Ranger Fans, I hope this little chat has put all your fears to rest. Remember: Doing a job right just gets the job done. Doing it half-assed for ten years guarantees you job security. As long as we still barely make the playoffs and sell out Madison Square Garden, my job is safe. Then Junior can concentrate on HIS job — killing the Knicks.
Forever Yours, (and it really looks that way)
(That damn Fudd! Now he’s got me doing it…)
You asked for it, you got it. Lots of curling today! Sorry I don’t know the channel, but it’s a good guess that it’s USA, because USA women take on Great Britain at 5 p.m. ET. I know you’re going to watch :)
Early evening update:
I admit it, I’m not going to be around for the fighting Slovaks at midnight. But here’s your Swiss v. Norway recap.Vikingstad got Ducked!
Curling: Men won one! I didn’t see, did they pull that final end guy? Must have, they won. Women still playing….
Miracle on Ice, per Craig Patrick. (That was such a good year!)