Alll, you know that Carp is off :( but we promised to keep the Report going during the break,. So I give you the first of our guest bloggers….none other than Captain Clutch! Before we win the gold (thanks Hank!) some thoughts from the man himself…Enjoy, and behave…Mama is watching youse…I now give you Clutch:
Do you believe in clutchness??? YES!!!”It’s about time LoHud hired a WINNER like Captain Clutch to take over this blog! Carp was like a 4th line center making $7 million! So we waived him! Sorry Carp! Have fun in Hartford doing “Wolfpack Report”! Ha-Ha! And don’t forget to try out Capo Clutchio’s Pizzeria while you’re in Connecticut! We deliver! 7.7 seconds or less! Ha-Ha!
And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for! It’s finally time for Captain Clutch’s road trip to Vancouver in the Clutchmobile with Torts and Cally!!!
Now, Captain Clutch knows that thousands of you Clutchamaniacs will also be making the road trip from New York to Vancouver to see Captain Clutch play in what could be my final Olympics, so here’s a list of LITTLE THINGS you should bring in order to make the trip more clutch! What a leader!
*CPS (Clutch Positioning System): Always gives you directions to the right place at the right time!
*iPod Clutch: YouTube + “Pardon My Clutch” = need I say more???
*Extra Mouthpieces: Safety first! Some of these roads are dangerous! Especially Glencross Way in Calgary! Watch your blind spots there!
*English To Canadian Dictionary: Getting the Clutchmobile through customs will be easy if Captain Clutch can speak the language!
(English: “That was clutch!”—Canadian: “That was clutch, eh!”)
(English: “What’s this about???”—Canadian: “What’s this aboot???”)
The Clutchmobile will make a quick stop in Trumbull first (The Birthplace Of Clutch) to say goodbye to Mama and Papa Clutch, then we’ll be on our way! Gotta get to Vancouver by Tuesday for our first game against Switzerland! After that, it’s the rematch 20 years in the making! USA vs. Taiwan!!! You think they forgot about what Lil’ Cap’n Clutch did to them in the ‘89 Little League World Series, a.k.a. “The Miracle On Dirt”??? Captain Clutch will be ready!!!
Wish me luck guys! Hopefully I’ll score my first ever Olympic goal in Vancouver! Oh, you guys didn’t know that Captain Clutch has 0 goals in my entire Olympic career? Look it up! Burkie picked ME for this team to score big goal??? Maybe I should’ve told him to look it up! Ha-Ha! Who has a better propaganda machine behind him than Captain Clutch??? That reminds me, don’t forget to watch the 958th showing of “Ranger Profiles: #23” tonight on MSG! Clutchness! Leadership! Intangibles! Winner! Heart! LITTLE THINGS!!!
USA! USA! USA!
peels out in Clutchmobile
*** This post was sponsored by Capo Clutchio’s Pizzeria ***
“When other pizzas don’t do much, try one that’s clutch!”
In deference to the Captain, I’m leaving his post up so he can get a fair run, but since everyone already seems to be starving for hockey news less than 24 hours after your last winning meal, here’s a recap on yesterday’s other big winners, the USA Women’s Hockey team!
The women take the ice again tomorrow against Russia at 2:30 PST, and team Langenbrunner debuts at noon PST against Switzerland. So tomorrow should be a good day, I hope.