I spend a lot of time responding to your questions, comments, and concerns. But I’m hardly complaining. In fact, I feel I’ve become so proficient at this racket I can now even anticipate questions before they’re asked.
And with that, I bring you the first installment of “Questions That Haven’t Been Asked But Should Be.” I ask only that you try to keep up:
Q: What does a golf writer know about hockey? Shouldn’t you be at the Michelin Tires/Charmin Toilet Paper Open working on your tan?—An Anonymous reader
A: What, and miss all this? First, let’s be clear that I was actually a hockey writer long before I was a golf writer. In fact, the other day I stumbled upon a story I wrote for our high school newspaper about the varsity hockey team. The irony is I was ON the varsity hockey team at the time, and in a journalistic first, I actually quoted myself. What I said: “No comment. Now get the hell away from my locker.”
Q: Can you please put your hockey bag back in the basement? It’s stinking up the whole car.—Love, Your Wife
A: Dear Wife, thank you for patience during this hockey season, not only on those nights that drag me away from you to follow the Rangers, but also when my own playing career intervenes as well. Be aware, though, that my hockey equipment, as objectionable as it is, is hardly unique. Even the Rangers, complete with their own training and equipment staff and sophisticated machines that dry out their gear, have equipment that reeks. It’s the bond that unites all hockey players around the world.
Q: When are you going to come up with an original question? And as an aside, have you ever heard of a dry cleaner? Your shirts are always wrinkled.—Members of the New York Rangers
A: Dear Rangers, let me first say that those wrinke-free shirts they sell are an absolute scam, and I’m walking proof of as much. As for my questions, I figure I’d just start slow. Surely, you all know something about that..
Q: Hockey? What’s hockey?—Average Sports Fan
A: That’s OK, Sports Fan, we know you’re busy with the Giants late season meltdown, the BCS controversy, the Yankees’ off-season maneuvering, the Knicks’ complete ineptitude, NASCAR’s assault on common sense, and everything else. It takes a special mind to appreciate the grace and grit of the greatest game in the world, and you’re not quite there yet. The good news is hockey isn’t going anywhere. Or at least that’s what I’m told.